


Yo, Palpatine Straight Up Takes Lives

by Zams_Scribbles



Series: Star Wars Quick Fics: Improv Edition [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28083567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zams_Scribbles/pseuds/Zams_Scribbles
Summary: Palpatine has a birthday party, and Vader has an existential crisis
Relationships: Sheev Palpatine & Darth Vader
Series: Star Wars Quick Fics: Improv Edition [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703053
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Yo, Palpatine Straight Up Takes Lives

**Author's Note:**

> Another improv fic, one of our best! Its awful!
> 
> solari is a sith oc,, pls ignore them, they're like 12. we just needed another dumbass to tag along

Ahhh yes, another year older, another year expanding.  
my influence upon the galaxy. You know, I haven’t had a birthday party in many years. Palpatine cackled

What did you have in mind, my master? vader said begrudgingly, as if reading from a script.

Hmmmm, you know where i haven’t been in so long? My dear homeplanet of Naboo. Lets go there. Make a week of it. You’ll enjoy that won’t you Vader

Vader screamed internally.  
“so, uh, you didn’t mean like an island or anything right”

“actually, i had a specific island in mind, I thought we’d rent from the Naberries...they have have a nice resort,,, dont they vader

“are you fucking kidding me you bitch”

“What was that?”  
“Nothing, master

solari loomed close by in a dark cloak a few sizes too big. She knew there were certain uncomfortable topics for her master, namely obi-wan kenobi, fire, and literally everything else. But mainly Naboo. 

A hyperspace jump later, a whole ass fleet of star destroyers had blockaded naboo, much like the trade federation had once done many years ago. A party was afoot.

As the three sith walked in a dramatic single file down their ship’s ramp, sheev snapped his long bony fingers. a second later, speakers revealed themselves on the outside of the star destroyers and began to BLAST rave music. the entire planet would be partying whether they liked it or not. Vader looked pained, despite having no expression to speak of. The helmet’s audio receptors amplified the bass on all sound to assist his destroyed hearing. It was literal hell. solari turned her face to the nearest speaker and began to unconsciously hum at the same frequency. She could not think with this noise. No brain cells were functioning. Vader wished for death. More than usual. 

As the gang arrived at the palatial residence, a man, easily identifiable by his eyepatch, noticed the sith’s party of 50,000 stormtroopers approaching at a distance and stepped forward to meet them.  
“I am Commander Typho of the Naboo Secret Service and Society for Preservation of Historical Buildings. This building is on the record as a historical sight as the birthplace of the late Senator Padme Amidala Naberrie-Skywalker.” Skywalker…. Anakin cringed.

“Do you know who I am, Commander Typho?” The emperor said plainly, “I make the rules bitch.” At that, the emperor commanded one of his 50,000 stormtroopers to shove the Commander aside.  
“UH. ok you can go in” Typho mumbled, noting the 50,000 blasters trained on him. The emperor gave a curt thank you, dripping with sarcasm, and boogied across the threshold. The squad was gonna dance the night away.  
At this point, it was beginning to get dark outside. Perfect ambience for a…  
DISCO BALL  
“Do any of you have a disco ball on you”  
50,000 uhhhhhhhhs rang through the cavernous hallway.  
“It’s alright, I can make one. Lord Vader, give me your lightsaber.”

Vader uncomfortably handed over his lightsaber. He knew what was coming. The Emperor assumed a battle stance, drawing his arms out away from his body, his voluminous cloak rippled in the night air. And yet, the air felt so still. Electricity began to crackle, the tension growing more and more until. Light. Blue lightning grew into a giant DISCO BALL, and with the other hand he used the Force to manipulate his apprentice’s lightsaber apart. To Vader’s dismay, he threw away all of the outer casing, revealing the kyber crystal within. The electricity reflected off its crimson surface, casting light in beams across the room. It was quite epic.  
“Call the ships!”

At his command, the entire fleet of Star Destroyers flew and hovered above the mansion, and continued to BLAST sick rave music at full volume. Everyone on board was deaf. The music itself was the pre-released recording of Figrin D'an and The Modal Nodes’ brand new album, Jizz All Night Long. Palpatine loved jizz. Vader had completely left the room to ruminate on his dislike of both sand and jizz. He found himself at a familiar sight. A graceful balcony, overlooking a shimmering lake. His hand traced the banister, as it once had, many years ago. He could almost imagine a light, beautiful presence beside him… if it weren’t for the fact that the entire sector was vibrating at the bass boosted frequency blasting at the planet. The rave had begun. A mosh pit was already forming.  
“VADER” the emperor yelled  
“YOU GOTTA COME SEE THIS SHIT! IT'S LIT.”

The reverie was over. Vader’s displeasure was evident through the mask. As he walked in the door, he narrowly avoided a cadet stormtrooper who had been thrown bodily at the window by several others of his squadron who had consumed too much Space Punch. He heard the cadet’s body slam against the stone banister and fall into the lake.  
“Here, Lord Vader, have some space punch.”  
“I literally cannot ingest this without dying.”  
“Ahhhhh, lame-ass, doesn’t have a fucking functioning metabolic system.”  
“Is this all you wanted me to come in for?”  
“No, no, look! I can make your kyber crystal change color. Now the party is even MORE LIT. Did you see those cadets throw their teammate out the window? That was fucking siiiick.” Vader was positive that the emperor was completely sober. This is just how he was sometimes… All the time.

“Heeeey master, one of the troopers gave me some spice. You want some?” Solari had wandered back inside  
“why does everyone forget that i literally can't consume anything. I will die. seriously. can i go outside now?” The emperor said absolutely not.  
“Aww, you’re missing the party :(“ Solari said and then promptly passed out.  
“How the fuck did you say that with your mouth.”  
“Is she dead? I hope she’s dead.” said sheev  
“no she just does that sometimes”  
“OH VADER, I forgot to tell you, since we were on Naboo and all, I thought that I’d invite an old friend.” At this, the space wrought-iron front door twisted and was pulled off its hinges.

“DID YOUSA THINKING YOUSA COULD START ONA BOMBAD PARTY WITHOUT MEESA???” Darth Jar Jar screamed. Vader also screamed, audibly this time, but no one could hear it over the sick bass.  
“MEESA KNOW A PLACE MUY MUY S I C K E R THAN HERESA”  
palpatine’s attention had been attracted.  
“THEESA ROYAL PALACE OF THE QUEENIE”

Vader quickly intervened, “This is desecration, there is no need to…” but Sheev was quicker.  
“YES ABSOLUTELY WE ARE ALREADY ON THE WAY LET'S ROLL OUT BOYS!!!” Give or take 50,000 stormtroopers at varying levels of intoxication streamed out of the residence and into the streets and Vader was left alone amongst the SICK wreckage of a home that had once been so dear to his memory. His apprentice, Solari, was still unconscious on the floor as well, along with a few, possibly deceased stormtroopers. Knowing he had to go, but certainly in no rush to, Vader took the time to drop his apprentice safely off at a ship before, ever so slowly making his way to the Theed Palace.  
Upon his arrival, he heard several confused screams and arrived to see his master throwing the queen off of her throne and out the window, along with all of her guards.  
“I AM THE QUEEN NOW”  
“ALRIGHT WHAT ARE YOUSA STANDING THERESA FOR, LETSA GET THIS PARTY STARTED”  
Vader decided that the wisest decision would be to wait outside as yet another stormtrooper flew past his head. He slowly turned, and walked back down the stairs.  
Suddenly, an explosion echoed through the halls. A rebel attack????? All the way out here?? How could they have found out so quickly? He whipped around, cape swooshing behind him, to face the attacker, only to find that it was his idiot soldiers. They were now throwing thermal detonators.  
“Master!” He ran up to Sheev, who was now making double lightning disco balls with both hands simultaneously.  
“The troopers are throwing detonators. You have to stop them!”

“What? Why would I stop them? It’s fucking epic. Makes the party more alive. Haha, no pun intended”  
He laughed as a flaming ceiling beam fell to the floor, crushing about 10 stormtroopers. Vader suddenly realized that the entire palace was on fire. He just sort of stood there. His cape was also on fire. He still just sort of stood there. Then he just walked away. Cape flaming behind him, he, gracefully as he could, made his way to the Grand Entrance of the Palace, hoping to get the hell out of here. He turned a corner to see a squad of about 20 stormtroopers stacking a pile of thermal detonators near a support beam. 

Vader was tired. He didn’t feel like yelling at them. A moment later, the hall EXPLODED. Before he could react, a flying piece of disco ball (where did they get a real disco ball) hit him in the helmet and he blacked out. Sometime later, Vader was not sure, he awoke to find himself buried in what remained of the great hall. Summoning the force, he threw aside the rubble and stood alone amongst the wreckage. It was quiet. Quiet? Rave music no longer pummeled the planet's surface. Everyone was gone. The emperor, the 50,000 stormtroopers, everyone. Vader stood silently in absolute bewilderment until he heard a voice call from behind him.  
“FATHER???????”  
“....Luke?”  
“Uh, hi. The rebellion sent me to investigate? There were reports of an insurgency, and a palace blowing up, and uh. Was that you?”  
“It was not ME, no. The Emperor.... was.... Celebrating his birthday....”  
“Oh, where is he?”  
“Gone, evidently.”  
“Oh,” Luke paused a moment, “so wanna come back with me and join the rebellion?”  
“Sounds good.”


End file.
